First and foremost, I didn’t just wake up to 5 kids (well… kinda, for 4, I had at least 9mo to prepare for their coming, the last one I got a call from a lawyer to come pick up my niece before she was put into the system).
I have always wanted to be a dad, I always wanted kids. I had a great dad, I have 3 siblings and we all get along pretty well for the most part, we at least look forward to seeing each other when time permits. I used to babysit even after I had a “real” job, till parents no longer felt comfortable letting an 18 year old dude watch kids (the double standard really sucks btw). I have always just enjoyed being around kids, playing games, and playing jokes.
becoming a dad wasn’t thrust on me randomly. I didn’t have sex till I was married, My wife and I waited a minute before getting pregnant (we wanted to start having kids for a year, but birth control didn’t do what it was supposed to, so we were a few months early, but it was fine, we were excited).
The first was and adjustment, my wife became a stay at home mom, so our income basically cut in half since we had similar incomes.
#2 was actually not that bad, and didn’t seem like much of an increase.
#3 was a HUGE adjustment, we were outnumbered, and it showed.
#4 was a “wife wants it” I was happy with 3, wife felt like we needed another, and it was an adjustment, but not because we had another baby, but because she is just so much more…. her than our other kids. The first three were pretty easy babies, my last one? Let’s just say if she had been our first, she would have still been our last.
all of our kids are ~2 years apart in age. so pretty close together.
as far as meeting their needs. Small babies really don’t need a lot. Warm clothes, food, and to have somebody pay attention to them. People spay wayyyy too much money on babies. Too much on clothes and accessories. I know people who have spent more on their first kid, that I did for a new car. That’s insane. most everything you can get 2nd hand. they grow though clothes so fast, and our kids spent half their time naked besides a diaper because they destroyed their outfits faster than we could clean them. (food, spit up, poopsplosions, etc).
As they get older, it really just came down to making sure I listened to them and their needs. and set expectations. My kids don’t have their own phones, they share a room, they sometimes wear 2nd hand clothes (its amazing what you find at a 2nd hand store that will still have new tags on them), and that’s OK, there is nothing wrong with any of that.
Financially, when I was first married, and first had kids. I worked long hard jobs that didn’t pay much. But I pushed through my career and education (I do NOT have a 4 year degree, but I got some industry certs, and just expanded my knowledge and experience), and now my son is 11 (our first biological child) and my wife has been at home this whole time. and I make 6 figure income. We’re not wealthy, but our needs and most of our wants are met. We don’t go to Disneyland every year like my bother who’s a lawyer, and his wife who’s a registered nurse, but I am able to spend far more time with my kids than he is, and my wife is able to be there for far more than my sister in law. our youngest is 5, and my wife is planning on working at least part time after the youngest is in kindergarten. what you make today should not be what you’re making tomorrow. Being married and having kids/people relying on me absolutely pushed me to progress faster than when I was single. I absolutely make more money than I would have if I had not had that sense of responsibility. I was perfectly happy making 1/4th what I make now when I was single, because I shared a cheap apartment, was able to travel, etc. but now? they need me. I also care for my future as well, since my future is also their future.
Spare time? what is spare time? I mean, even before I was married and had kids, I had a side hustle, I currently do youtube, but I’ve worked on cars, mowed lawns, etc for extra cash. I don’t watch TV, cannot be bothered by it. I do spend too much time on reddit, but usually when I’m pooping or taking time to respond to somebody about something like this. but if I’m sitting doing nothing, that’s time I could be doing something to make money, play with my kids, get something done/clean in the house, go poke at my project car, etc. To me when people say “spare time” it usually means time wasted, and I cannot stand to waste time. we only have so much. I am very fortunate with my job I am able to work from home most days, some weeks I put in 60 -70 hours, but other weeks, i put in 20-30, so I can really flex around and do what I need to, as long as my job gets done, and nothing gets broken.
It really comes down to priorities. Most people I know who want to put off kids, or who question even having kids, or who are struggling with the kids they have, they have priorities that are in contrast with being a parent. They are focused on their own wants and needs FIRST, and the kid comes second, and that means a lot of conflict. The funny part is, My wants are met. They are usually just delayed a bit. I have toys, guns, cars, computers, the latest gadgets I could want. I DIDN’T have those things for years, because I was busy with my kids and work. but once things smoothed out? I have them in spades. I maybe didn’t travel as much as a young person, but I did live in Europe for a couple of years, and my wife did travel a bit as well before we got married. But when our youngest is 18, we’ll both be just ~50, which gives us PLENTY of time to travel, and far better means to travel than we did when we were in our 20’s. and we’ll have adult kids, and possibly grand kids by then to also be able to do cool stuff with. In a way, kids are kinda like built in Friends (if you do it right), and you can rely on them to always be willing to do cool stuff.
My dad retired last year (2020) and He wanted to do scuba lessons, So he invited me to learn to scuba with him, and he paid for the lessons. Now they are going to be living in Hawaii and then hopefully new Zealand for the next couple of years, and so we have plans to visit them out there (first Hawaii, then hopefully new Zealand) and go scuba diving and other fun things. I hope to do the same with my kids, as we get older.
I personally think people who want kids are insane for putting it off. I have friends who are in their mid 30’s and just now looking to start a family when My kids are half grown. I cannot imagine having to start with a baby today. I love babies, and will hold them all day long till they start fussing, and then I GLADLY give them back, no way I could be up all night with a baby now. NO thanks. and people who do the deed and end up pregnant without being in at least a committed relationship much less married I also feel bad for, and I think the consequence of their choices puts them off behind with kids. I have known a ton of those two. My wife being able to be home to do most of the care of the kids and household allowed me to focus on providing and growing my career. and has set us up far better than we could ever be alone, juggling a baby and a job by ourselves. having kids and when we were having them was a deliberate choice on our end. Don’t think I’m trying to judge those people i mostly just feel bad for the situation they are in, and glad I made the choices to not be there.
sorry for the novel, I just typed out my stream of thought, I might go back and clean that up later. but yeah. that’s that. not sure if there is any wisdom in there, I just have seen what works and what doesn’t and trying to emulate those that have had things work for them.